In an earlier post, I presented an introductory interview with therapist and podcaster Sarah Stuteville about preparing for and potentially practicing consensual non-monogamy. This post draws on Stuteville’s distinctive expertise in providing therapy to clients with a diversity of polyamorous relationships.
What follows is a second interview with Stuteville, giving a set of therapeutic guidelines for helping non-monogamous relationships thrive.
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What is the first step in maintaining a non-monogamous relationship?
To begin, non-monogamy requires a strong commitment to honest and clear communication with yourself. This can be hard for many of us, especially in the areas of desire, sex, and intimacy. But noticing yourself—being honest about your boundaries and needs and what you’re looking for—is the first step toward talking about those issues with others.
Therapists are here to help individual clients dismantle shame and develop language in some of these taboo spaces. In doing so, we’re also helping these clients connect more authentically with the people they’re in relationships with.
How can therapists provide a receptive environment?
Clients need to feel affirmed and safe when discussing non-monogamy and polyamory in therapy, without worrying about being judged or pathologized or talked out of it. To accomplish this, mental health professionals have to start from a supportive, non-judgmental, and curious position with clients who are non-monogamous or considering non-monogamy.
I commonly encounter clients who come to me because their previous therapist assumed that exploring non-monogamy was going to “break up their marriage” or was a sign of unhealthy attachment or even sex addiction.
I’ve similarly had conversations with therapists who, when they encounter tumult in a polyamorous relationship, are inclined to assume it’s the polyamory that’s causing the conflict, and they counsel people to “close up.” Such a strongly directive and disapproving approach not only undermines the exploration of non-monogamy but the therapeutic process as well.
Having said that, I need to add that non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, and some people find that out through trying it. In that case, therapists should affirm and support the choice to return to monogamy.
What if therapists are uncomfortable with non-monogamy?
If therapists are new to clients who practice non-monogamy and find it difficult to accept, this should be taken as a sign to seek focused training, supervision, or online instruction—to familiarize themselves with non-monogamy and to work through understandable prejudices. There’s an ever-growing collection of books and podcasts for therapists to gain familiarity with the practice of non-monogamy.
The emotional safety of our clients is the priority. It’s our job to hold and explore our own discomfort so we can cultivate the same kind of supportive exploration for the people sharing the most vulnerable parts of their lives with us.
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What should we know about placing polyamory in perspective?
Clients and therapists alike often over-identify polyamory as a source of distress, so it’s crucial to explore and identify other factors that may cause conflict.
For example, early in the opening up of my own marriage, I was upset with my husband about how much time he spent texting a partner when we were together. In therapy, I attacked his relationship with this person as “too demanding” and feared they were escalating things too quickly. Our therapist suggested we reframe the argument in terms of communication and intentionality. With this reframe, it became clear that my complaint was more about the boundaries we set with phones and texting and less about his other relationship.
There’s a lot to learn early in polyamory, and having a therapist hold a portion of the emotional dynamism allows people to flourish during this complicated learning process. For couples moving from monogamy to non-monogamy, relationship therapy provides great value during this revelatory transition.
What practical strategies help sustain non-monogamous relationships?
Non-monogamous relationships are supported by setting aside time specifically for checking in—whether that’s the “primary” relationship or not. When everyone opts to take the time for potentially emotional conversations, this offers space to discuss what’s working, what isn’t, and how people are feeling.
A lot of clients I work with are already in periods of appreciable change in their lives—recently becoming parents, having children leave home, changing jobs, or experiencing a medical emergency or a loss. People who are already in upheaval may be open to the possibility of trying something new. This is what happened in my own story of opening up my marriage.
Polyamory Essential Reads
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Should people consider non-monogamy if a monogamous relationship may be ending?
Monogamous marriages on the verge of ending will sometimes explore non-monogamy to “save” the marriage. When this happens, a lot of relationship therapists will take the position of warning against “using non-monogamy” in this way. I’m more neutral.
Warning against non-monogamy assumes that continuing a marriage or relationship is the most important goal of any relationship (or relationship therapist). I’ve seen people engage in non-monogamy to end a relationship in ways that seem honest and healthy. I’ve also seen people at the end of a relationship engage in non-monogamy in ways that cause more harm to themselves and each other.
This leads me to encourage people who are considering ending a relationship (and the therapists who see them) to take extra care when deciding to explore non-monogamy. If there’s already a lot of emotional volatility in the relationship, polyamory will likely add to the volatility.
What is your perspective on negotiating change?
All relationships have to change. Individuals in relationships are always changing, and as a result, all relationships must tolerate—and even embrace—change as well. This is true whether you’re polyamorous or monogamous.
This is not my quote, but I often say that every lifelong relationship contains many relationships inside of it.
The marriage that my husband and I started has morphed in so many ways over 15 years, and that was true before we opened. Children are born, parents die, jobs come and go, the world shifts, you move, you get sick, you age, you learn. We all change throughout our lives, and our relationships change with us. If they don’t, or can’t, that’s when they end.
It’s a mistake to assume that non-monogamous relationships are more subject to natural change than monogamous relationships. Appreciable change occurs in all relationships, and I think this is healthy and inspiring. The more curious and resilient we are regarding change, the more satisfied we can be in our lives.
There will be change, and our job as therapists is to help our clients navigate that change with confidence and curiosity and to be fully present as their lives unfold.
Source link : https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/defining-memories/202408/how-therapists-can-help-non-monogamous-relationships-thrive
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Publish date : 2024-10-25 20:17:44
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