Narcissism in the news has been defined by television and social media, over-the-top self-absorbed personas denigrating others, megalomaniacal quests for power and the antagonism of sharp-elbowed people.
Characterized this way, who in the world would ever think there was a functional realm within what we often see as a dysfunctional trait? Newsflash: Narcissism is not wholly horrible.
Heinz Kohut, a classical psychoanalyst, developed the concept of healthy adult narcissism (HAN) which a Virginia scholar explains in Understanding Narcissists: How to Cope with Destructive People in Your Life.
Adults with good narcissism, following Kohut’s theory, have developed a strong, cohesive inner self that grew from “the age-appropriate self-centeredness of infants and children to the less self-focused and more integrated self of adults, with wisdom, empathy and other positive and healthy characteristics,” writes Nina W. Brown. Ed.D, professor and scholar at Old Dominion University.
Other upbeat characteristics of HAN include living with meaning and purpose, satisfying, enduring relationships, connection to others with a vast feelings vocabulary you can appropriately express.
Healthy narcissism entails tolerating and accepting others as separate, distinct from oneself and recognizing them as worthwhile. One’s sense of humor does not denigrate nor shame; there’s a core set of values with wisdom gained throughout life. That is all substantially affirming!
Narcissism’s Dark Side
Contrast this with a destructive narcissistic pattern (DNP) — inflated self, grandiosity, attention-seeking, indifference that capitalizes “on the trusting nature of the other person who does not always realize that they are being exploited,” Brown writes. “The exploiter uses seduction, coercion, manipulation and even bullying to achieve their desired goals.” This is where a lack of empathy shows broadly.
Finally, the DNP reveals itself in “an impoverished sense of self,” the flip side of grandiosity, “the ‘poor me’ that never catches a break, is unlucky and has to suffer almost continuously,” Brown explains. With this comes shallow emotion, envy, resentment, emptiness—a very different depiction that changes rapidly, often without warning.
Cultivating the Good Traits
Sometimes in life we look at who and how we do NOT want to be and conduct ourselves as the polar opposite. Those who experienced puffed-up meanness in childhood with a recess bully, a nasty sibling or supposed bestie who lived by one set of rules, left unreciprocated.
As a one-off, we’d give them a free pass. If behaviors repeated and they said one thing, but left us second guessing, questioning ourselves repeatedly, we’d wise up.
Narcissistic anger is subtle, hidden per my research of Overcoming Passive Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness where the workplace chapter details a subtype of passive aggressor — the Star whose traits can be productive or destructive.
“Channeled constructively, many stars can use their ego for constructive outcomes. It takes a little chutzpah to get up in front of a crowd to speak, act in a play, or take on leadership,” we write. “Plenty of government or military officials, actors and actresses, athletes and business leaders have achieved superstar status. Many have a right to be proud. They’ve earned their perks. True class, of course, means never stepping over or on anyone to get your way, achieve or maintain your status.”
As an old saying goes, a strength overstated can easily become a weakness.
“One indicator of healthy adult narcissism is the ability to experience and express a variety of feelings other than anger and fear, and to also experience very deep feelings such as love and joy,” Brown writes.
People with healthy adult narcissism feel good about their accomplishments—but key here—they feel good about your successes as well. You’ll hear compliments and genuine thrill if they call out congratulations. You’ll see fairness, reciprocity, apologies, the same standards for everyone.
Jealousy and scorekeeping have no place for those who have a strong sense of self and are not easily threatened. You hear the concern in their voices and see that interest through action. Life isn’t a race to win. There’s little competition and no relational score-keeping.
If someone else succeeds, happiness abounds. Two people, having what they each want and desire, can be happy at the same time.
Narcissism Essential Reads
In the destructive pattern, there needs to be someone on top while someone else gets blocked from achieving satisfaction; in other words, there’s no room for dual success and the narcissist on the malignant end of the spectrum would devalue and act out in the face of another’s happiness.
Hang around that long enough and the doubling down, entitlement, setting up others to project or dump on becomes exhaustive.
That’s why joy-filled people seek out self-awareness, continuing to develop healthy parts of themselves and fix faults they readily will recognize. They embrace beauty and wonder, live in laughter and make the world just a bit lighter.
Copyright © 2024 by Loriann Oberlin, MS
Source link : https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-full-picture/202410/healthy-adult-narcissism-the-trait-you-do-want
Author :
Publish date : 2024-10-07 20:51:32
Copyright for syndicated content belongs to the linked Source.